On Sunday 17th May 2015 I made the decision to hand over my life to Christ and trust that he had a better future planned for me. On this same day I strongly felt God telling be to break up with my then boyfriend who I was in an unhealthy 9 month relationship with. I was so scared because I was at a crossroads ....do I stay in an unhealthy relationship because I don’t want to be alone and deal with a break up or do I take what I then saw as a risk and leave him for Christ? At that moment I was thinking wow ....me of all people? How am I actually going to cope with being alone? In my mind I was like God I am not sure how this is going to turn out , I’m kind of use to doing my own thing but please help me to trust you and I hope this will be worth it !!
Let’s rewind back in time
My father was a hard working man and did what he could to make sure that my sister and I never went without. Some would say I was very lucky to have such a father and yes I was blessed but the financial aspect of our relationship was basically all I had and really that wasn’t enough.
My father was emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood and early teenage years; we only really began to develop an emotional connection after I turned about 18. My first take on what a man was supposed to be and how a man should treat women was demonstrated by my father and from a very young age I internalised it all. My dad was often absent, very preoccupied with working and making money (which is not a problem as long as you have a balance but in his case it was having harmful effects). He would often come home intoxicated and he cheated on my mother numerous times, he would make promises and wouldn’t follow through. I became really insecure , like I wasn’t really wanted ,like my mum , sister and I weren’t good enough to stay around because someone better came along . The lasting effects of this came at a cost for me and my future.
On to the next one
You see I spent the majority of my teen/ young adult life bouncing from one relationship to the next looking for someone that could make me feel good about myself , someone that would show me that they wanted me , someone that would love me , someone that would make me feel like I was beautiful and worth being around . But boy was I looking for love in all the wrong places , I didn’t know who I was and quite frankly I couldn’t stand my reflection but what made me feel better was knowing that someone wanted me ....that gave me validation .
Weirdly enough I ended up dating men that were just like my father ...emotionally unavailable. I often settled for guys that didn’t want to really commit to me , that were highly insecure , they would use me , abuse me , control me and cheat on me . It was like a mad cycle of dating the same person that just looked different. I even remember questioning my sexuality thinking ... maybe being with a girl would stop this toxic pattern and I almost lost my mind getting to know a girl at the age of 19 who was 6 years older than me. I also did it because I was scared that my emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend wouldn’t try to harm me if he knew I moved on with a girl instead of man ...........yeah it went all the way to the left and did not work , she was manipulative and crazy too and he continued to stalk me and make my life hell .
Single, Jealous & Tempted
It is almost three years since I made the decision give God the driver’s seat in my life and trust him with my single life. Has it been worth it 100% yes has it been hard 100% yes lol! Ow my......
Along the way I have idolised marriage and have thought...Gosh ... when will it be my turn? I would see other girls that were younger than me getting engaged and married and having babies and I would cry and feel jealous because I felt like maybe God wasn’t pleased with me . I would also feel like I was damaged goods so it would take years to fix me and I would get married when I was seventy, if Christ hadn’t returned by then lol ! I use to question why no real Godly man had ever approached me but guys with funky spirits and no Godly intention would approach me. At times it would make me so angry that I would be so rude to guys and shut them down right there and then (which wasn’t the most Christ like thing to do). I went through a stage of lying to myself and pretending that I wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t married but I wasn’t being honest with myself or to God . I also experienced feeling like I would just give up on the idea of being married and having children just so that I wasn’t disappointed if God didn’t fulfil my desire. I would often be told by non believers that my standards were too high and the man with the traits I described does not exist so I should prepare to stay single.
And then there was temptation .......along my journey temptation has been a real thing. In the last three years there were a couple of occasions were very attractive young men showed interest in me and said they were believers but in my heart I knew I was playing with fire by entertaining their conversations . If it was not for the holy spirit I would have fallen into sin , I lusted after something I knew was out of God’s will , all because I was feeling discontent ,frustrated with waiting and liked the fact that someone very attractive and that was “sort of” a believer showed me attention .
Letting go & letting God
I do believe God’s plan for my life is great which means I have too much to lose if I decide to surpass his will and try and snatch back the driving wheel or help him with my future. To be honest one of my biggest fears was “What if I never get married”? Does that mean I’m a failure? Does it mean no one likes me? Does it mean I’m damaged goods? The answer is NO. I have found being honest in prayer really helps to let go of these worries as God understands and helps me regain focus back on to him.
Though being a wife and mother is a wonderful gift, it is not the only gift that God gives. My single season is also a gift from God and a time so precious and valuable. I love to eat and I have a huge list of restaurants I want to go to and always thought when I meet ‘Mr Right’ then I can go.....I have holiday destinations I want to go to and again I thought maybe with ‘Mr Right’ and then there was moving out I would always say ...yeaaah when I’m married it makes more sense to move out but what if that doesn’t happen lol! Tomorrow isn’t promised and neither is marriage so why wait! I had to change this mindset and I decided I will do these things regardless whether I am with a man or not.
Being single means God has me all to himself after so many years of me pushing him away and leading my own life that was harming me. It means depending on God rather than a man to validate me, it means being kept safe by God and not settling, it means that I have less responsibilities and won’t get distracted whilst working on tasks given during this time .It means I have room to heal, grow and become a better women. The benefits are endless and though I still have hope that maybe one day God will allow a great godly man to find me until then I let go and rest in his timing.
