“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” -- Brene Brown
2017 , the year I experienced great excitement and success from finally starting up my own business , joining a gospel singing group and then doing my first performance , being chosen to be a guest speaker at several events , winning a beauty pageant and celebrating my 25th birthday . Though these were some of my great highlights, in contrast to this in the same year I experienced great pain and darkness with an unexpected death, dealing with anxiety as I worried about my father’s life and his drinking to then being hit with the news that he had had a stroke . I felt like I was trying extra hard to keep myself from mentally deteriorating.
Through-out the year of 2017 I often found that old negative thoughts and feelings were resurfacing and it began to intensify towards the end of the year. I was perplexed because I thought these were issues that I had dealt with , I was ashamed at the possibility that I might need to go back to the doctors and declare that I was feeling depressed.
Just to give some context for those who don’t already know: During my teenage years I had BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), bulimia and experienced depression and battled with negative thoughts. When I was 20 years old I was officially psychologically diagnosed and went through cogitative behavioral therapy and was taught how to deal with BDD and stop it from interfering with my life. I got a lot better and was happier.
A regular prayer point I had in 2017 was for God to reveal to me where I needed to change , the areas within me that needed healing and to help me with the process ( my prayers were most definitely answered ).
By September 2017 by God’s grace (literally) I had just become Miss Bronze UK 2017, I could not actually believe that I had won because my aunt encouraged me to enter despite having two weeks to prepare before the show and it being out of London. My dad was still in recovery and I was under a lot of pressure to cover the expenses but God was faithful and did his thing!
What I didn’t know was that when I got off the stage, took my crown off and went home it would be followed by me revisiting an overwhelmingly familiar dark and painful place. It was as if I had been backed up in to a corner having to confront my unresolved issues. I was at an all time high but low at the same time.
I was bombarded with thoughts like “ You are a reject” , “ Nobody likes you” , “You’re not even that pretty” , “Don’t post that picture you look so ugly” , “Who do you think you are ?” , “ There is no point in telling anyone you feel depressed it’s your fault ... they will blame you your just not a good enough Christian ” , “ You’re not even good at running your business” , “Can God really help you ?” .
I was thinking wow, God I feel so empty and insecure why are these thoughts bothering so much? Since being saved I read and knew that God loved me and was the one that fulfilled all of my needs but I could never fully comprehend it ....it was something I really struggled to believe.
I continued to seek God in desperation to stop feeling so low, I literally remember crying and even at times begging him for help because I was getting frustrated with how I was feeling. I wanted to instantly believe the scriptures I was reading and that God loved me and those negative thoughts weren’t true but I just found it so hard.
I decided to go on a fast, I bought a new note pad to track my feelings , prayers , scriptures and tried to start thinking about my past and all the memories that I hadn’t let go of . It was so hard to write down painful memories that I had to stop writing them but a few weeks later God led me to an amazing counsellor that has been supporting me with the process psychologically but also spiritually. It was evident that there were some deep rooted causes from all the way back to my childhood that needed to be dug up.
God began to show me that the reasons that the issues continued to resurface was because I hadn’t truly faced or dealt with the root causes: rejection and shame which are all works of the enemy. I had learnt how to deal with the surface of these issues which kept me going but I never truly resolved the issue. I had to revisit this dark place because it revealed that I really wanted to believe I was completely healed but I still had a part of me that unconsciously hid away as a way of self defence to avoid the fear of still just not being enough.
I now realise that I had been living life as a perfectionist, I didn’t show myself much mercy and was frustrated at myself for being back in a ‘vulnerable’ place.
Most of my life I have struggled to find out my true identity. I grew up believing that negative thoughts about me were facts and I found it very hard to unlearn these lies. However by the end of 2017 God’s words were “you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free” (John 8:32). The truth disarms Satan, and God’s word is the truth ....light dispels darkness.
I am now embracing my journey and no longer not trying to skip the time and uncomfortability of the process. I am experiencing true in-depth healing as I am finding out who I really am in Christ.
I was afraid to share more of my experiences and start this blog because I didn’t want to admit that I still had issues needing to be resolved, but the fact of the matter is I do and it’s actually okay .
I have had to step out of trying to be perfect and I realise that being imperfect is beautiful, it means that I can be my authentic self and embrace being vulnerable. Vulnerability, transparency and being honest with where you are at births courage and is liberating not only for yourself but for others too. Admitting you need help is a form of courage; shame thrives in secrecy and does not survive when it is exposed. I will no longer wait until I am perfect to share my experiences or take the next steps in my life on this journey. God will get the glory and after all if I was perfect I wouldn’t need to be saved and there would be no room for God to move in my life.
I am expectant and believing that God is at work within me, it’s an exciting time because I can only develop and grow more from this.
Yours vulnerably ,
Carla Xx
